I
It is Ordered:
- . That Charmaine Arjoonlal be and is hereby adopted as the child of Dawson Kingdom Lloyd Gilmour and Dorothy Margaret Gilmour.
- That the name of the child shall be Charmaine Lynn Gilmour.
II
I should have been born Da Silva but my birth father said I wasn’t his
and Arjoonlal—
my mothers name—was written on my birth certificate.
III
Arjoonlal was actually Arjun but a Trinidadian birth-grandfather played the steel drums and added lal.
IV
In Toronto I was adopted at two years old and Gilmour replaced the
name of my mother
on my birth certificate. With a stroke of the gavel and slash of pen,
I instantly became another person.
My whiteness didn’t show on the outside but being asked and asked and asked,
“Why a name like Gilmour?” I married a Jaikaran—
but my outer brownness was forced to toughen into a shell…
V
The shell wasn’t brown enough and tough enough to survive his threats and hits
and it cracked, whiteness previously submerged, resurfaced as
Traynor.
VI
I stayed awhile, became a wife, bore a son, lived…
cracks started to mend but I lacked a Self—
Brown skin, loving hotdogs, Timmies and Canadian beer but asked,
always asked, why a name like Traynor?
An invisible illness I’ve had my whole life, a shadow, searching…
VII
I became Traynor-Ruitenberg—a new beginning, another attempt at Self …
Yet Arjoonlal—my birth name— is peeking through.
VIII
After eighteen years, and visiting with my birth mom four times,
she told me how to pronounce Arjoonlal.
Just as it’s written, she said, her Trini lilt singing like the sky and sea
and sun.
“I am Ar-joon-lal,” I said, reaching for my drum.
“Yes”.
