Name
Religious Preference
New Name
7). If all days are holy, and today is a day, then .
a). today is holy.
b). you’re an idiot.
c). (do you really believe all days are holy?) give thanks with a
grateful heart.
d). mac ‘n’ cheese is the best comfort food. EVER! But, especially at weddings, funerals, and family gatherings. Or, after a breakup. Or, when your cat dies. Or, if you’re a dog person, when your dog gets poisoned by a neighbor who hates dogs. Or, if you’re not a pet person, when you watch Lifetime movies about a soldier falling in love with a girl who mails Christmas cards to overseas military personnel fighting in wars the news doesn’t talk about anymore.
6). The chart on page 13 presents the incorporation of over three hundred religions into the United States (are they?), designating when each was first introduced into the timeline of Amurikan herstory, which includes indigenous peoples’ beliefs. From this information, it can be inferred that .
a). you’re an idiot. My god is the only true god.
b). spiritual beliefs are like assholes: everybody shits.
c). merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream.
d). today is holy though, what does holiness mean?
5). Upon observing evening light reflecting on a turned-off lamp, one writer said, “Wow, that’s pretty!” Respond using only one of the following court-approved answers:
a). How much do you know about religions from which your beliefs differ?
b). Why is holiness important? Do you revere each day’s light? Where does light come from?
c). You’re an idiot. My gods are the only true gods.
d). Santa Claus isn’t real. Vishnu isn’t real. Jesus isn’t real. Allah
isn’t real. Money is real. Hamburgers are real.
4). A witch and a valentine walk into a bar. They’re greeted by a lesbian, an Irishman, a Latina, and Martin Luther King Jr. .
a). Today is holy, and you will recognize its holiness. (i’ve got to get out of this place, if it’s the last thing i ever do)
b). Oh, my, god, did you see The Notebook? I know, right? Favorite. Movie. EVER!
c). Four is the number for humanity, for incompleteness. Seven, the number of completeness. Three is a number of stability. What day were you born?
d). You’re still an idiot because I don’t believe in anything. I’m god. But, if there was another god, she wouldn’t want to have anything to do with us because people suck.
3). If Capitalism, Humanism, Darwinism, Socialism, any other Ism you can think of, all walk into a zoo, where does that leave one human being?
a). Anarchy is the answer. Dictators are the answer. Matriarchal democracy is the answer.
b). Nobody knows (the trouble you’ve seen?). Does that make you an idiot?
c). Today is Saturday. It can be holy and profane. It can be neither. The sun shines. Clouds cover the sun. It rains. The moon shines. Clouds cover the moon. Stars shine. A new day.
d). How do we celebrate one thing without excluding something else? What’s wrong with exclusion? What’s right about exclusion?
2). In the Beginning, some people did some shit and now other people do more shit. Things don’t change much. Do you:
a). I remember some Christmas mornings, at Grandpa Newby’s, all the kids, cousins usually, who had been sleeping on the living room floor, would barely be able to hold all of their excitement in until the parents woke up, usually because the kids kept making noise. The Christmas tree sparkled with tons of tinsel and lights, wrapped presents under the tree crackled as kids poked and shook them, and, as adults gradually woke, somebody started coffee and smoking. Those times, for brief moments, I felt some sense of harmony within my extended family.
b). What is the correlation between food and worship? sacrifice and food? sacrifice and worship? Do you like ice cream? What is your favorite food?
c). I’m an idiot. You’re an idiot. We’re all idiots trying to figure things out.
d). What do you love? What do you fear? What do you celebrate?
1). The end?
